Miracles

It still hurts.

You wouldn't think it would--after all, it's been over a year. Almost two, as a matter of fact. But it does. It hurts, and it hurts badly.

You see, my family may belong in a mental institution--I've got the stories to prove it. But they're still my family. I love them all so much, and I grew up knowing that I was loved, which is more than a lot of people got. I grew up with an ego like that of many children--that I was invincible, that things would never change...that the people I loved would never leave.

That's why I count 2003 and 2004 as two of the worst years of my life. Losing two people who are such a big part of your life so quickly...there are no words for it. I know that there are tons of other people in the same situation as I am or worse, so I really shouldn't be complaining. And I really am doing better. I'm moving on, getting out more, doing the stuff I did before. But then I see a photograph, or hear something that they used to say, or drive by where they used to live. And it hurts all over again. Does it ever stop?

I wanted to sit and cry this afternoon for them, for all the regrets that I have. To let go of the anger I have towards them for leaving, and anger at myself for feeling that way. It just--it wasn't fair. It isn't fair. But then I saw another picture--of two of my most important reasons for living: my nephew and my niece. My babies. It's weird, but before they were born I couldn't imagine loving them as much as I do. Now that they're in my life, I thank God every day for them and for my family. That's Jaylynn above, at a 4th of July barbecue this summer. My head got cut off in the picture, but it makes me smile every time. I just look at her, and I want to spare her from the realities of life. I want to make her childhood as great as mine was, and I want to give her memories of two people who loved her very, very much. It saddens me that she won't know them, because they are two of the best people who have ever lived. I know they're watching, though, and I can see them in what she does and how she acts.

Her and Elijah make my life so much better--better than I ever thought it could be. I may sound like a very overdevoted aunt, but I don't get to see them that much anymore. I'm thrilled because tomorrow I get to see my mom and my sister, and then on Thanksgiving I get to see everyone else. It's going to be a picture extravaganza.

Despite everything that's gone on for the past few years, despite the mistakes I've made, things I've done, changes in my life in general--miracles do happen, in the forms you least expect. Proof enough for me are two big miracles in my life--Elijah and Jaylynn.