My Worst Enemy

It happened. I have to admit, I was hoping and keeping my fingers crossed that it wouldn't. But who was I kidding? After all, I have lived in Northern New York my entire life, except for a glorious four month span a few years ago when I lived in Florida. THAT was the life--I can't wait to get back down there. My education has kept me chained here for way too long, and I can't wait to get my degree and go somewhere where they've never seen it.

I was happy all day, because it didn't come. It was supposed to, but it didn't--it was just really, really cold. But I was fine--after all, it wasn't coming down. But it did come down--I went out after dinner, and my friend looked out through the glass doors and said--well, what she said is unrepeatable. I looked outside, and I didn't see anything. (My night vision is horrible.) I thought it was raining. She just looked at me.

That's right. It wasn't rain. It was...snow. White, cold, wet, makes the roads slippery and icy and not good at all. Snow. My worst enemy. It sounds sad, but I can't enumerate how much I hate it. I do NOT like snow. I HATE snow. I can't say it enough, but I'll spare you and not say it again for a moment. I seriously wanted to start crying right then and there. It sounds pathetic, but it means that it's over. Summer...fall...it's over. Winter has officially arrived. And I'm depressed.

And I shouldn't be. I mean, I got registered for the classes I wanted, I don't have that much work to do, next week is Thanksgiving!!...but I'm still depressed. Because of it. I just love warm weather. Wearing a light jacket isn't bad, but I love the warm breeze. I went to Florida in August and the sand on the beach was white, warm...it was wonderful. To be able to drive or just look out the window and see palm trees. There were torrential downpours too, and horrible traffic, but it was...I don't know how to describe it. I didn't mind it as much down there as I do up here. Every night I'd just sit outside and enjoy the warmth and things around me. It was so peaceful--I was so happy. And now...and now...I'm sitting here in my cold, unheated dorm room, staring outside at the white flakes coming down that look innocent, but that I despise with a passion.

I hate snow.

How can such a wonderful day go so wrong? I got up, went to church, back to campus, then my mom and sister came up. We had such a great time--we had lunch, showed them the campus, my room, etc. Then they left, and I went to meet someone for dinner. Well, I called my mom to ask her something and I learned that her vehicle overheated and broke down about ten-fifteen minutes from here. So I left to go and pick them up, and they were going to drive me back to campus.

Well, I got there and they climbed into my car. I started it up and started driving when all of a sudden my "check engine soon" light came on. I freaked out and pulled over, and learned from my book that it can be lots of different things. So I started driving again with the light on, and the next thing I know there's a deer right in front of my car. I veered to the right and missed it by about two feet, and my mom's having a heart attack next to me and my sister's screaming in the backseat. I kept going in disbelief--I can't believe I almost hit that deer.

So we get back to Potsdam, and I pull into a different than usual parking lot because I was going to go see if I could still catch my friend for dinner. Well, it was too late, and while trying to exit that parking lot I mistook the incline of a hill for an exit lane, and almost drove down a hill. My mom and sister freaked out again, and I barely made it back to the doorway of my dorm. Then, I got out and my mom got in the driver's seat. They were about to drive off when my sister asked if I had my room key--which I didn't. It was still on my key chain in the car, so I had to take my only car key off and give it to them.

I just hope they make it home in one piece--I don't know how much more I can take. Someone please share some good news!! Or sent chocolate and Diet Pepsi...that'd be good. The more the better!

Miracles

It still hurts.

You wouldn't think it would--after all, it's been over a year. Almost two, as a matter of fact. But it does. It hurts, and it hurts badly.

You see, my family may belong in a mental institution--I've got the stories to prove it. But they're still my family. I love them all so much, and I grew up knowing that I was loved, which is more than a lot of people got. I grew up with an ego like that of many children--that I was invincible, that things would never change...that the people I loved would never leave.

That's why I count 2003 and 2004 as two of the worst years of my life. Losing two people who are such a big part of your life so quickly...there are no words for it. I know that there are tons of other people in the same situation as I am or worse, so I really shouldn't be complaining. And I really am doing better. I'm moving on, getting out more, doing the stuff I did before. But then I see a photograph, or hear something that they used to say, or drive by where they used to live. And it hurts all over again. Does it ever stop?

I wanted to sit and cry this afternoon for them, for all the regrets that I have. To let go of the anger I have towards them for leaving, and anger at myself for feeling that way. It just--it wasn't fair. It isn't fair. But then I saw another picture--of two of my most important reasons for living: my nephew and my niece. My babies. It's weird, but before they were born I couldn't imagine loving them as much as I do. Now that they're in my life, I thank God every day for them and for my family. That's Jaylynn above, at a 4th of July barbecue this summer. My head got cut off in the picture, but it makes me smile every time. I just look at her, and I want to spare her from the realities of life. I want to make her childhood as great as mine was, and I want to give her memories of two people who loved her very, very much. It saddens me that she won't know them, because they are two of the best people who have ever lived. I know they're watching, though, and I can see them in what she does and how she acts.

Her and Elijah make my life so much better--better than I ever thought it could be. I may sound like a very overdevoted aunt, but I don't get to see them that much anymore. I'm thrilled because tomorrow I get to see my mom and my sister, and then on Thanksgiving I get to see everyone else. It's going to be a picture extravaganza.

Despite everything that's gone on for the past few years, despite the mistakes I've made, things I've done, changes in my life in general--miracles do happen, in the forms you least expect. Proof enough for me are two big miracles in my life--Elijah and Jaylynn.