Realizations

Have you ever had a big realization? I thought I had, but nothing like until this past weekend. (Great sentence structure for an English major, I know. Oh, well--I haven't graduated yet.) What, might you ask, was my realization? Okay, here it comes. Deep breath. It won't come as a big shock to many, but my family...is a bunch of rednecks.

That's right--the r-word. My family, much as it pains me to say, is full of rednecks. I thought I knew what rednecks were--the family on my bus who didn't believe in showering and whose words you couldn't understand. Don't get me wrong--I'm not trying to be mean. I just think that bathing should be something that everyone does daily. They were nice kids--I just didn't know what they were saying. Anyway, now that I sound like a total snob--and I'm not, believe me!--

How do I know that my family is redneck? I watched the Blue Collar Comedy Tour on TV this weekend, and throughout the entire program I'm pegging people in my brain that fit the descriptions being given. Every time they describe someone I'm like "I know them!" Then, to great shame, I realized that I fit some of those descriptions. So, if you care to read further, here is some evidence I've come up with to prove my realization.

1) Jeff Foxworthy made a comment about using Cool Whip bowls for salad bowls. Sadly...my family actually does this. Believe it or not we do have bowls that we use, but we save the Cool Whip bowls to store leftovers in and eat out of if our bowls are dirty. I used one this morning--I forgot to run the dishwasher last night.

2) My brother actually said "whidjadidja." This may be the correct spelling, but as Foxworthy said, "you didn't bring your truck whidjadidja?" My brother may have been saying it to be "cool," but he asked me this morning, "you didn't bring my movie whidjadidja?" No comment.

3) An episode of "Walker, Texas Ranger" did change my mom's life. She loves that show. She has the biggest crush on Chuck Norris, and wants to hit us when we helpfully suggest that he looks our our uncle Buster, who she despises. But really, once you get past the smell, sexist attitude, and excess body hair...yeah, that's pretty much it.

4) My cousin reminds me of Ron White, the guy who's always drinking and smoking. My cousin doesn't drink or smoke, but he has the laid-back attitude. White cracks a joke about having some engine trouble on the plane, and the guy next to him freaks out and says "if one engine fails, how far will the other one take us?" White responds "all the way to the scene of the crash! Which is pretty handy, cause that's where we're headed. Bet we beat the paramedics there by a half hour!" I feel for the guy next to him. You see, last August there was some turbulence on our way back from Florida. I'm saying my prayers screaming on the plane, praying that we don't die amidst the life-threatening turbulence...and my cousin, sympathetic brother, sister, PARENTS...are all trying to start the wave.

5) Yes, like Bill Engvall, my uncle did ride an electric floor buffer. No tequila, just good old Labatt Blue. Enough said.

6) Another uncle, drunk (BIG surprise with most of my family), decided to streak naked down the populated street--in front of the ELEMENTARY school, no less--and then, when the police stopped him and went to I presume arrest him after chasing him back to my grandmother's house, he decided he had to go and peed on the police car. Meanwhile, my other two uncles took two pieces of computer paper and wrote down scores for his performance: 8.5 and 9.2. He did pretty good, and we all decided it was even funnier to take the moment and view it as a photo opportunity. We had a great Christmas card that year.

7) Our dinners when we eat together as a family. Another one of my uncles lives near a main road, but lives close enough to the woods that all kinds of creatures come out near his house. He sets traps and sometimes sets them free. Other times, though, he eats them. And this isn't normal stuff. I'm not talking rabbit, deer, anything that maybe normal people would eat. This is stuff that is so gross I can't even mention it--let's just say I've eaten more kinds of meat than anybody in the world.

8) My aunt has three teeth, and two are black. My brother calls her "Captain Jack." I feel so bad for her, because I've had so many teeth problems...but come on.

9) When I share stories of my weekend activities and what my family is up to, my coworkers and friends crack up and/or edge slowly away. They either think I'm hilarious or nuts, and I didn't realize until college that most families are not like my own. They don't do things like play "guess the meat!" at a family gathering. And no...the choices are not "chicken, beef, or pork." Use your imagination--we have to.

10) We have family videos of my uncles pretending they are the Dukes of Hazzard. The doors on my uncle's car worked, but he still liked pretending he was Bo Duke. There's a video of my uncle jumping in through the window...then not getting in all the way and falling back out of the car. Meanwhile, my other uncle tries to do the same thing on the opposite side of the car. He goes for it...and gets stuck. His booted toe got jammed between the emergency break and the seat, and he could not get it unstuck. Yes, it was a fun phone call to the fire department that day. Plus, my uncle had to pay back my grandfather--who had been laughing hysterically on the ground--for the damage done to the car, since my uncle had no money to pay for it himself at that point in time.

So...there you have it. I could present you with more evidence, but I'm exhausted. I have tons more I want to say, but it'll have to wait until next time. I, along with my family, am a redneck. That is my big realization of the weekend. And, after writing this down, taking a trip down memory lane...I don't care. My family may be crazy and full of psychotics, but I love them. They're my crazy family. We are...rednecks. So, you have my permission--go ahead, use "whidjadidja." I bet you'll become a redneck too.