Memories

Sometimes you just can't forget. No matter how much you want to or try not to think about it it's always there. You never forget moments in your life, no matter how huge or insignificant they are. My head has been crowded with these images lately, and they all link back to my family.

My family. I love them--my immediate family and those on my mother's side--dearly. I would do anything for them, and I cherish the time I have with them. Then you go to my father's side of the family, and I want to cry. I'll never understand them and what they've done, and I can't forgive and forget. I know I should--it's pointless to keep harboring these feelings towards them. I love them because they're my family, but I would be eternally happy to never, ever see them again. I'll never forget how they treated my loved ones, and how they didn't come around unless they wanted something and then until the end.

I grew up close with my dad's parents--Nana and Poppy. I still love them--we all do. They were the best people. Nobody's perfect, but to me they were. Poppy was everybody's friend--he had that ability to connect with everyone and make them laugh. He could always tell stories, and my dad has that ability. I wish I did. Nana was generous to a fault. She had her issues, of course, but everyone does. After Poppy got sick, the house burned, and Poppy went she was all alone. My dad and my family were there for her, and we thought we had all the time in the world. She was so strong after Poppy--I was so proud of her. I don't think I could go through something like that.

And then she got sick. We found out the day before Christmas that she wouldn't last more than a few days. My courageous Nana lasted three weeks before she took her last breath. And I was there. Oh, it's a gift! everyone tells me. You were there with her during her last moments. Well, that may be true, but they didn't see her face. That woman was NOT my Nana. My Nana couldn't die...you can't lose two of the most important people in your lives in such short time. It's not possible.

And then, when it's all you can do to get through the funeral and people telling you how lucky you were to have such grandparents and to have time with them your father's family is fighting because they want their cut, their share of the goods. The same people who came to see Nana after Poppy once if even, just to guilt her into giving them money she didn't have. Then to come around at the end and pretend to care, just so they could tell her what they wanted after she passed. How can people be like that? Then to ask for a loan the day she was buried--I don't understand. I want to understand them, but I just can't. I can't forgive and forget the way they treated her and Poppy.

My mom tells me that it's their loss, and that they'll never have the memories I have of Poppy and Nana. I know that's true, and I try to be strong, because my dad gets upset even talking about it. He's handling everything, and being dogged with phone calls from his family asking where the $ is. I couldn't do it. I try to be strong for him, but then I look at my little sister and want to cry again. She was the closest to Poppy--being the youngest, she had more time because of his retirement. She's not over him yet--I don't think any of us will ever be. She has pictures all over her room, wrote "I love Poppy" on her sneakers, and has a picture of him in the keychain on her bag. We don't talk about him or Nana--we just can't. Then a painful reminder in the form of a phone call starts it all up again. How do you forget? How can I forget and forgive?

Forgive and forget? I wish I could. One year Saturday, Poppy. I love you more than you'll ever know--I wish I could have said it one more time. I know you're happy up there in heaven with Nana, Smitty, Mary, and your old fishing buddies, probably playing pranks on everyone. Tell Nana that I miss her and love her--we all do. We'll never forget--I'll never forget. Please know that you are loved, and you are missed. You are missed.

Dreams

I've been thinking lately about what my life will be like. I have so many things I want to do in life, and I'm not sure I'll get to accomplish them all. Now I'm in the mode of wanting to write a novel. One of the options for a final in one of my classes is to start a novel, and it seems like the perfect opportunity.

I could write a semi-autobiographical book--those who know me (Suzanne and Robyn!) know I have plenty of real-life material. I have plenty of stupid and embarassing stories that I've shared with people, and so many people I admire (the above people, Renee, and Lore!) I want to do that, but part of me would love to write other kinds of books. This is an idea that may not materialize, but it sure beats doing homework. Is this just another excuse or dumb idea? I can see myself on the bestseller's list one day, with critics both revering and slamming my books. I would love to be a writer. I would even love to write thoughtful and great blogs like Lore and Renee...maybe some day.

Then I sat down last night and tried it. Oops. I'm going to take the easy road and blame it on the fact that it was 12:30 and I was way too tired to do anything good, but part of me is afraid it isn't. What if I can't accomplish that dream? This is such a depressing blog. I think I'm still really tired--I'm REALLY looking forward to that cheeseburger--definitely with a milkshake after. Anyway--

Ooh! Gotta go--"Full House" is on. I love that show! The ABC Family lineup in the afternoons is definitely must-see. (Guess I got over that depression pretty quick, huh?)

"To Do" List

Lists. I love making them. I hate doing the stuff on them, depending on the purpose, but I'm obsessed. It's so much more fun to make a list of all the homework I have to do instead of doing the homework itself. So right now I'm backed up beyond belief in homework, but I have twenty-five lists floating around my room reminding me of what I have to do. Overloaded? Yes. Lazy? Definitely. What'll I do now? Make a list!

AW--working essay draft. write up questions.
ITLS--formal paper outline. pick a topic!
S2--read. (Who understands Shakespeare anyway? Definitely not me.)
VOAW--journal entries. read. speech--due next week!! (truly the most embarassing moment of next week.) speech for Tuesday--orators of today.
YAL--read book. formal paper--due Wednesday!! book review cards. freewrites for homs and monster.

See the fun things I have to do? Oh--another thing I love to do. Complain. My friends know it well, as they're always the people I vent and complain to. Now I have twenty-six lists of what I have to do. And you know, it doesn't sound like a lot, which may be the reason I love writing everything down. In reality each project will take me at least one hour, and definitely more on the heavy things. It's so much easier writing it down. I got one thing done and thought yes! This is motivation to finish everything else, but then I realized that what I had done would have to be redone for Wednesday, which adds to the whole list.
This is the reason I'm counting until the end of school. I'm such a lazy bum--three weeks of classes and finals. Yea! I'm waiting for summer to get here, and hoping that I get the same summer job I had last summer. I worry so much about everything, and am so jealous my cousin is done with his finals next week. I need to focus on my work...I don't want to forget anything--better make a list.

Best Friends

Best friends are hard to come by. When you find one you treasure them, and a lot of times things happen and you lose them. Well, I didn't lose mine per se (ooh, look at me with the intellectual words :>) but she moved away years and years ago. We've kept in touch over the years, and I just got word that she's moving back up here!! I cannot express how excited I am to see her, and how happy I'll be when she gets here. I got great news, and now I have to go to two long and boring classes...the good outweighs the bad in this case. Plus, there's a four day weekend coming up. I just want to keep this feeling--just waiting for the weekend!!

Back to Reality

What a great weekend! I was incredibly lazy and did nothing schoolwise, so of course I'll be up late tonight. But I don't regret it--I had such a fantastic weekend. The weather was beyond beautiful, and I think I actually got sunburned. Had a terrific family party, went shopping, and the end of this week brings a four day weekend, and after that three weeks of school and finals! Also planning an August vacation...hopefully this feeling will last.

Time

Yea! Bring on the weekend. I don't really have any free time, but it's just the thought of not having to do anything, even though if I don't I'll sorely regret it Monday. Two--or three in my case--days of fun (hopefully) in the sun. Have you ever been in such a good mood that you feel like the world's your friend and nothing can go wrong? I hope this feeling lasts the rest of the day. Have a great weekend, everybody!(I am such a nerd! Can't help it--it's the happy feelings...)

Little Things

It really is the little things in life that make you happy. Just a trip to the dollar store for art supplies can lead to a lifetime of memories and stories. I know I'll never forget that there should be warning labels on glow sticks, or that barbies should be made big enough for their clothes not to fall off, that sticker books are incredibly hard if not impossible to find or the fact that my laughter is super embarassing for me and the others around me...aren't you just thankful that your friends like you anyway?

Little Things

It really is the little things in life that make you happy. Just a trip to the dollar store to get art supplies can lead to a lifetime of stories and memories. I know I'll never forget that glow sticks should have warning labels, Barbies should be made big enough so that their clothes don't fall off, sticker books are hard, if not impossible, to find when you need them, and that my laughter is super embarassing for me and others around me...aren't you just glad your friends love you anyway?

Foot in Mouth

I wonder if my mouth is big enough for me to stick my entire foot in it? I am such a gigantic boob! I don't know what it is with me--do I subconsciously try to make an idiot of myself as much as possible? I had Self-Defense this morning--always fun beating up the teacher!--but he has this tiny guy for a student assistant. On my way in...I can't even describe what I did. It's so horrible! Let me just say it involved a pair of lost underwear, the student assistant, me not knowing whose underwear it was, and me shoving both feet into my mouth toes first. Ugh! I'm so mad at myself! I always do that, and it irritates me every time. I should just stay quiet the entire day...help out the entire student population.

I should work off my frustration in my homework for tomorrow, but that sounds so incredibly unappealing. Might as well slack off as usual--why break tradition? Staying up until one am sounds good right now anyway...

My First Blog!

Have you ever had one of those days? The days where everything goes wrong, and at the very end one thing just makes the whole day worthwhile? Today was one of those days. I should have been happy--the sun was shining, the temp was above thirty degrees, there was NO SNOW!! on the ground...but things just didn't go right. Am I the only one who worries or gets mad about the stupid things in life? Obsessive compulsive...I've heard that phrase WAY too many times in association with my life. I know I am--I just can't help it.

Anyway, back to my needless worrying and getting mad. The thing that set me off today? Small, tiny, really-insignificant-in-the-whole-scheme of life thing? (Just so I don't come off as a really big nerd, let me point out that this is what capped my streak of bad luck today. I'm over it now! Or at least I hope to be, when I finish venting.) I missed...my caricature! That's right, people--I got upset over not having my CARICATURE done. How lame is that? All the stuff going on in the world, and I'm upset about that. Most people in my position would worry about passing a test, being able to pay their car payments, even making it to work on time...and I get mad about a caricature. But, in my defense--it was free. Again with the lame--I'm so full of it! Even my writing professor commented on how full of--well, you know--I am. So, I am over it! I'm done venting over something so completely ridiculous. I promise, I'm done...for a few minutes, anyway...

Anyway (I use that word a little too much) my own blog! I'm so excited. This is way better than those freewrites I've been putting off for about a week. I'm trying to stay awake--my roommate has threatened my face with a permanent marker if I fall asleep before it, so I stayed awake half the night last night...again with the stupid worrying. But really, who would wanna walk around campus with "I Love Monkeys" written on their foreheads? Not when I've been trying to grow out my bangs FOREVER and can't cut them to hide the big black words...

I've already written way too much--I should start on my homework. Hey, if anyway feels like stretching their writing muscles, let me know--my good friends still won't take the bait, but I keep trying. If you read this, I'm willing to up the ante--TWO cookies and a chocolate milk! Doesn't that sound good? Oh, and by the way, thanks to Renee for cheering me up without even knowing it! Don't ya love when friends do that? Maybe it's me and my warped mind...maybe it's too late at night...am I really this annoying all the time? Food for thought--something to keep me awake so I don't get hit with the magic marker...maybe I can learn to draw so I can do my own caricature...REALLY need to get a life.